Why Spider-Man Shouldn't Be An Avenger
by MiscellaneousSoup
Summary: In a completely serious story, I give perfectly valid reasons for why Spider-Man shouldn't be an Avenger. The first sentence of this description is a lie. The second is the truth. ERROR 404 COHERENCE NOT FOUND


**A/N: duhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh**

 **Why Spider-Man Shouldn't Be An Avenger**

 **by MiscellaneousSoup**

 **Puns Made by Kris Smith**

Annihilation….

As the Guardians' spaceship flew toward Thanos's lair, Spider-Man hopped around like a hyper bunny, bouncing into the other heroes. "Hey, guys! GUYS! GUYS!"

Wolverine tried to slice his own head off, but Xaver stopped him with a glare. Dazzler merely started playing music to drown out his babbling. Deadpool, not being friends with Xavier, shrugged and shot himself in the head with a revolver.

Spider-Man poked Captain America's shoulder. "Hey. Hey. HEY. Guess what?"

Captain America rolled his eyes. "What is it, Spider-Man?"

Spidey leaned back in a web-hammock. "Soooooo…..you know how Thanos is a Titan and we're all trying to stop him? Every hero ever, even a few villains, banded together to defeat him?"

"Yes."

"SOOOOOO….Isn't this an attack on Titan? GET IT? GET IT? GET IT?!"

The Hulk tossed Spider-Man out the window.

Civil War…..

Spider-Man swung around New York, waving at all the civilians, before landing on Avengers Tower, shattering some of the bricks. "HI! I'm here! I'm finally an Avengers! WOOOT!"

"A kid?" Fury yelled. "You made a high school kid an Avenger? Really? High schoolers barely know how to drive, let alone fight in a politically-charged battle between superpowered citizens. Kick him out."

Tony shrugged. "Eh, what's the worst that could happen? He'll lighten everything up with some youthful energy or something. I'm not an expert with kids. 'Scuse me." He let out a large, stinky burp and set down his beer can. "Ah, that's good stuff."

Spider-Man crashed through the window, knocking over the can of beer. "Dude!" Tony whined. "I was still drinking that."

"HEY, HEY! GUESS WHAT?!" Spider-Man screeched. "So, during this battle, I really hope that the Inhumans come flying out of nowhere."

Tony raised an eyebrow. "The who?"

"It'll be a...BLACK BOLT FROM THE BLUE! Also, we'll win the battle. WOOOO!" Spider-Man launched himself across the room, scattering several in-progress machines.

Secret War…

Spider-Man nudged U-S #1. "Hey, trucker guy,why don't the Fantastic Four like their planet being eaten?"

U-S #1 shrugged. "I dunno, why?"

Underneath his mask, Spidey grinned like a loon. "BECAUSE THEY'RE GALACTOSE-INTOLERANT!" He started laughing hysterically, while a single laser from the Beyonder vaporized poor, easily-distracted U-S #1.

Avengers Vs. X-Men….

Daredevil crashed through the Kingpin's door, sending splinters of wood flying across the room. "It's time to end this, Fisk. I'm not letting some giant superhero battle distract me from your criminal actions."

Fisk's chair spun around, revealing Fisk, smiling smugly like the jerk he was. "Oh, really? Are you that stupid? The Avengers are fighting the X-Men in broad daylight, why wouldn't I have taken certain...protective measures?"

Daredevil threw his billy club at the Kingpin's face, but it passed right through him. "What? That's not possible!"

The Kingpin appeared behind Daredevil and threw him to the ground, cracking some bones in his back.

Before he could plunge his cane into Daredevil's brain, Spider-Man came flying into the room, obliterating part of the wall. "Whoops, sorry about that, Willy. Mr. Fantastic kicked me. Can't imagine why, I thought we were on the same side. Hey, Daredevil, how's it going? Wanna hear a joke, Fisk? Did you hear that Daredevil is a pretty good shot? He can always hit a Bullseye!"

Daredevil stopped wriggling, stunned by the blatant awfulness of his pun. Unfortunately, Wilson Fisk took that time to plunge the cane into the back of his cranium, effectively piercing his mask and killing him.

Original Sin…

Odinson brandished his axe and threw it at the Frost Giants. "Have at thee, frosty scum!"

Meanwhile, Thor used Mjolnir to knock out all of the wolves. She grinned as it returned to her hand. "Nice, work, Odinson. I guess we do make a pretty good team."

Odinson nodded in agreement. "Aye, friend, that we do. It's a good thing that no one is here to interrupt this joyful occasion."

Spider-Man popped up out of nowhere. "HEY, ODINSON? Did you hear that Jane Foster is dying? The situation left her feeling Mighty Thor!"

Thor narrowed her eyes. "How dare you make fun of my cancer, you insolent whelp?"

Growling in anger, the pair of gods spent five long minutes beating the webhead to a bloody pulp. After he was finally unconscious and hurled back to Earth, Thor and Odinson shook hands. "Mead?" "Mead!" And they had a merry drinking session, blissfully at peace now that the world was free from Spider-Man's awful puns.

 **THE END!**

 **So, children, what have we learned from this story? We learned that you don't have to know anything about the underlined Marvel Comics events to understand the puns or random situations, as I mostly picked them out at random. Also, we learned that a ninth grader shouldn't be an Avenger. This is Lan Stee, creator of Mervul Comics, delivering a special message from Earth-?. Have an awful day, true stinkers!**


End file.
